Intimate partner violence (often abbreviated as “IPV”) and mental health are twin topics seldom discussed openly in Nigeria either for cultural or socio- religious reasons. Meanwhile, IPV is one of the most common forms of violence against women across the globe. In its limited meaning, IPV is a form of domestic violence against women arising from intimate partnership. IPV is restrictively different from the generally used term “domestic violence” which encompasses partner violence, child or elder abuse, or abuse by any member of a household. Whereas IPV is gender sensitive and applicable only to women in intimate relationship, domestic violence is not gender sensitive.
According to a report, an intimate partner relationship can take many forms from current or former partners, spouses, people who are dating, sexual partners, and people who do not have a sexual relationship. Relationships may be heterosexual or same-sex.
For clearer understanding, according to the World Health Organisation, IPV manifests in various forms such as (a) physical violence (slapping, hitting, kicking and beating); (b) sexual violence (including forced sexual intercourse and other forms of sexual coercion; (c) emotional or psychological abuse (such as insults, belittling, constant humiliation, intimidation – for example, destroying things, threats of harm, threats to take away children; (d) controlling behaviours (including isolating a person from family and friends; monitoring their movements; and restricting access to financial resources, employment, education or medical care). IPV occurs in all settings and among all socioeconomic, religious and cultural groups. The overwhelming global burden of IPV is borne by women. Although women can be violent in relationships with men, often in self-defence, the most common perpetrators of violence against women are male intimate partners or ex-partners.
One dares demur that in Nigeria, many men are also victims of domestic abuse but shame and patriarchy would not allow them to own it up or report.
On the other hand, the same World Health Organisation explains that “mental health is a state of mental well-being that enables people to cope with the stresses of life, realize their abilities, learn well and work well, and contribute to their community.” Four identified types of mental health are mood disorders (such as depression or bipolar disorder) anxiety disorders, personality disorders, psychotic disorders (such as schizophrenia). Needless to overemphasise that IPV can lead to any or all of these mental health issues.
In Nigeria, the most common forms of intimate partners prone to violence are those in marriages, those betrothed or engaged (fiancé and fiancées), “live-in-lovers”, “baby mamas”, “boyfriends and girlfriends” or those undergraduate female students cohabiting (“kwanangida” arrangements). This discussion deliberately excludes same sex partnerships because it is not recognised under Nigerian law and those in same sex or homosexual relationships are liable to terms of imprisonment upon conviction under the law.
Many women are “living in bondage” in the guise of marriage or being engaged to marry or in a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship.
The fear of life after divorce or separation and or attendant socio-cultural or religious stigma of being tagged a divorcee or single mother have made many to endure toxic, abusive and emotionally sapping unions. The result is that many women in intimate relationships have either died from IPV or become complete emotional wrecks from toxic unions. Generally speaking, domestic violence and especially IPV account for the increasing number of mental health issues in Nigeria.
Although it is more rampant with younger people, there is no age bracket or barrier for domestic abuse and or toxic unions. Economic hardship, stressful living conditions and drug abuse have predisposed many, including the elderly, to being hostile, cantankerous and uncooperative in their marriages or unions.
Thus, domestic violence in its broad form which includes IPV is not limited or exclusive to any gender or age bracket although it is widely believed that women are more vulnerable and prone to domestic abuse in marriages.
This intervention is made in order to draw special attention to IPV and mental health issues and to further contribute to the needed public awareness against domestic violence, sexual abuse and mental health issues. It is a clarion call to say no to all forms of domestic violence, matrimonial cruelty, abusive relationships and cat and dog fights in marriages!
In a patriarchal society like Nigeria, most men do not know that matrimonial cruelty is no macho game!
Only poor people maltreat their mates. A person can be poor in the pocket or poor in spirit-the worst being the latter. There is no big deal in being wicked or cruel to an intimate partner or anyone else for that matter.
It is a shameful and reprehensible attribute of lower animals. There is nothing like “hard” man or woman in marriage or any union. Matrimony is compassion and tolerance of one another. Any partner that has become tired of any marriage or relationship should be bold to take a walk. It is the most civilised thing to do. No marriage or partnership survives a lifetime on pity or barren trickery. Abusive or violent relationship is not good. It is evil. Nobody is good to be reduced to a punching bag (except for professional or amateur boxers). Partners must avoid hurtful speeches or insensitive comments or demeaning conducts or behaviours.
No partner should be a beast by being cruel, violent and or unkind to your spouse or partner. If the union is not working, STAY ON YOUR OWN IS THE BEST FORM OF PEACE. IF YOU CANNOT STAY MARRIED OR ENGAGED, YOU CAN STAY ALIVE!
It is interesting that various Violence Against Persons Laws in different States of the federation have addressed issues of domestic violence and sexual abuse. Thus, victims of IPV must not close their support systems. No partner should ignore early warning signs and red flags about domestic violence. Victims and potential victims of IPV must talk to someone (family, friends and neighbours); make reports and let the concerned authorities including security agencies know about their predicaments. This must be timeous or timely. Do not die in silence as delay may be dangerous.
Apart from textual statutory provisions outlawing domestic violence, Government should set up specialised agencies in the towns and rural areas to monitor, investigate and prosecute IPV offences as well as help victims to handle their traumas- healing, rehabilitation and seek closure. Government should also ensure that survivors of IPV have access to social and psychosocial support.
Truth be told, abusive or violent relationship is akin to living in bondage. For married couple, violence of any type or emotional torture including deprivation of conjugal rights and or economic support by any spouse is both immoral and matrimonial cruelty. It is condemnable both in heaven and on earth. Marriage is all about love and tolerance in good or bad times.
Marriage is not all about “darling darling situation” or wealth or other material acquisitions (vehicles, buildings, and jewelries) or number of children or sexes of children and all that. It is about caring, giving, loving, understanding and sharing. Without empathy, care, love and tolerance, there is no marriage.
Unfortunately, many young people in this modern day and age still approach marriage from a prehistoric barbaric mentality. Many people are managing and this has disastrous consequences like the many unfortunate stories about death of spouses and or grievous bodily hurt by married couples. Marriage is not bondage or slavery.
If it is not working after you have given your best, please take a walk. There is no sense staying in a marriage that has irretrievably broken down. There is no point dying in the hands of a cruel and callous partner. If it is not working, it is not working. There is no marriage in heaven. Life has no duplicate!
To bully, violate, aggress, physically torture or assault, humiliate your supposed wife or husband is animalistic. No one should allow herself or himself to suffer these forms of cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment.
This admonition is also applicable to wives who are non-supportive or who verbally abuse their husbands or nag uncontrollably or deny them sexual relationship or intimacy, emotional support or other conjugal rights.
These intolerable behaviours and other strands of matrimonial cruelty breed strife in marriage. Applying economic blockade on your partner, if you have the means, is evil. If you are a wife and bread winner, please don’t rub it in. No matter what, the man is still the head of the family and a prudent wife will not deny him this badge of honour! The Holy Bible records the many difference between a wise woman and a foolish woman. Proverbs 14:1 states that “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands” while Proverbs 9:13 (King James Version) records that “A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.”
In sum, if you want to assess the real worth of any married man, take a close look at his wife because his wife is expected to be his jewel of inestimable value.
If you want to assess the value of any married woman, take a deep look at the quality of her husband’s smile before taking a second look at his belt and shoes.
Respect is a husband’s love language.
Any person, whether man or woman, who is incapable of having a peaceful and love filled home, may not give love and peace to neighbours, friends, associates and society at large.
Children raised in such toxic unions, contaminated families or negative-energy-filled homes remain a problem to the society. IPV should be eschewed while awareness about mental health issues must remain on the front burner.
A new normal is possible!
🖋️
Prof Obiaraeri, N. O.
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