Counsel: Why did you do it when she said no to it
Witness: Her No didn’t sound strong enough
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Counsel: I insist on making my application orally
Judge: In that case, I shall also insist on giving my ruling orally
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Counsel: May I announce my appearance for the absent accused person.
Judge: In that case, you will take his place in the dock.
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Witness: The first plaintiff is not in court because he now sleeps with the Lord.
Judge: I envy him.
Witness: I broughted two witnesses today.
Judge: Okay. Brought them another day.
Counsel: You are bought witness.
Witness: So slave trade has not stopped in your place?
Counsel: The accused came to court late because of transport difficulty coming out from the bush they live.
Opposing Counsel: No wonder they behave like bushmen.
Clerk: Plaintiff claims N1,000.00 from you for battery. How do you plead?
Witness: Ask him what he will do with N1,0000.00 worth of batteries.
Counsel: Is it true you started tying wrapper by 1947?
Witness: Go and ask your mother similar question.
Counsel: You said you were kicked on the stomach and you started bleeding. How were you bleeding?
Witness: You will understand when you get married.
Judge: How many more witnesses do you have?
Counsel: Not more than two and not less than one.
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Counsel: I thought I could have taken one very short witness today.
Judge: You may end up calling a very tall witness.
Judge: Clerk, could you lend me a biro?
Clerk: Your lordship has not returned the one he borrowed yesterday.
Counsel: I am asking for adjournment on health reasons.
Judge: Always sick!
Witness: M husband has a very evasive and slippery character.
Counsel: That is double tragedy!
Counsel: I ask for N500.00 cost against the defendant
Judge: Does that prove your case?
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Judge: Why are you asking for divorce?
Witness: My husband has turned me into his punching bag.
Counsel: Are you laughing at the court?
Judge: Probably laughing at counsel!
Judge: Bring your witnesses and everything on the next date.
Witness: Can I bring my tobacco?
Counsel: Are you married?
Witness Yes! To 3 boys and 2 girls.
Judge: Counsel, I hope your cross-examination will be short?
Counsel: No, my Lord. I hope to squeeze and squeeze the witness until he says the truth.
Witness: Squeeze who? I will tear you into pieces if you touch me.
Judge: The charge says you attempted to rob the complainant of his car. Is that true?
Witness: No my lord! I only asked for his car keys and he became unnecessarily panicky.
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Witness: My Lord, the witness said I shot the deceased once before he died, not twice as interpreted by the clerk of Court.
Judge: Okay, I will record that you killed the deceased with one shot.
Judge: You said you can go on without your lawyer. Okay lead your next witness.
Witness: Em.. em… how do I do that?
Judge: That is an armed robbery case. I will remand the accused person in prison custody.
Witness: No my lord, it is not an armed robbery case. I did it day time not night time.
Counsel: Who is the senior, your or the defendant?
Witness: Defendant should be your age mate. Small boy of yesterday.
Judge: Why did you stab your boss?
Witness: He said, he would fire me.
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… To be continued next weekend
As The Court Pleases (Jokes from the Courtroom) is a book by E.T.C. Ogbusu, published in 2009.
E.T.C. Ogbusu, was a brilliant lawyer, prolific writer and poet, who plied his trade in the city of Owerri, Imo State, Nigeria. He was in active legal practice for over 30years before he died in 2015.
According to the writer, this book, As The Court Pleases (Jokes from the Courtroom), was written to dispel the belief by most people that a courtroom evokes the solemnity that does not tolerate intermittent jokes. In his words: “Many people do not believe that you can smile in the Courtroom.. To some, it is a taboo or sign of unseriousness to smile in the Courtroom, as it is believed that the Courtroom must always be as silent as the grave yard. There are others who think that cases are won by looking grave and stern in the Courtroom. This book comes to prove them all wrong, and to correct these age-long erroneous beliefs about law practice and teaching.”